Favorites From Rodney Dangerfield

           1.  A girl phoned me the other day and said... "Come on over,
                 there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

            2.   If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.

                  When I park my car in a tight place, I'm sexually satisfied!
                  I'm even jealous of a stiff wind!

            3.   And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy... I'd have
                 nothing to play with.

            4.  During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the
                 other night she called me from a hotel.

            5.  One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging
                 naked. I said to the guy... "Hey buddy... why are you doing that
                 for?" He said... "Because you came home early."

             6. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put on a shirt
                 and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle
                 came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

              7. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

              8. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a
                  toaster and a radio.

              9.  My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked
                   me as a friend.

            10.  My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with
                   his wallet.

             11. When I was born... the doctor came out to the waiting room and
                    said to my father... "I'm very sorry. We did everything we
                    could...but he pulled through, anyway."

              12. My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

              13. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of
                    my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

               14. Once when I was lost... I saw a policeman and asked him to
                     help me find my parents. I said to him... "Do you think we'll
                     ever find them?" He said... "I don't know kid... there are so
                     many places they can hide."

               15. On Halloween... the parents send their kids out looking like
                     me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's
                     different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.

                16. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

                17. I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

                18. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up
                      and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong
                      with me?" He said... "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

                19. My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him... "If you
                      don't mind I'd like a second opinion." He said... "Alright...
                      you're ugly too!"

                20. When I was born the doctor took one look at my face... turned
                       me over and said. Look... twins!

                21. I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My
                      doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

                22. My wife can't cook!,  when we go on picnics, I bring TUMS for the ants!

                23. My wife can't cook!  I left a piece of floss in the sink, two roaches hung

                24.   My wife can't cook!  I picked up the steak, it still had marks on it
                       where the jockey was hittin it!

                25.   My wife can't cook!  We pray AFTER we eat! 

That's all for now! Go to a music store with old cassettes; they might still have

some of his joke albums! :)