Mortgage Humor
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course!!!
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Tuesday, September 28, 1999 1:37 PM
From: <Mlmichels@aol.com>
Thanks!!!!
First Family Mortgage
Hi, Mr and Mrs. Clinton.
Welcome to EZBreeZee Mortgages, I'm Alan Greenspan.
No, no relation, sorry to say.
May I call you Bill and Hillary?
Fine, first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton and Bill it is.
So you want to buy the old Rye Brook place,
four-something acres as I recall.
That's $2.2 million, and with the customary 20 percent down-that's $440,000
--leaving a mortgage of $1,760,000.
No problem; We do those kinds of deals all the time!!.
Now let's have a look at your financial statements.
Let's see, Mr. Clinton, you are the president of the United States, of course,
and your salary is-oh, dear--just $200,000 a year. The Political Campaign Funds
must be considered as supplementary income and might help the income figure
fit better for qualifying!!. "NO" you say ??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????
Hey YodaBroker, my good buddy, my agent #1, my
Master Jedi-Broker, what say you???
"Most unfortunate, this is! Qualified for this mortgage, you will not
be!" Yoda said!
*Heck, Yoda has to make a living somewhere
waiting for George Lucas's next casting for Episode 2!!
LOL!!**
Now we can only recommend buying a house that
costs no more than two and a half times your annual salary. That means you
should be looking for something around $500,000,
perhaps a nice brick rancher on a quarter of an acre, not too fancy a
neighborhood?
And I see here that you'll be out of a job in 16 months or so.
What will you do then?
"Open a library. In Little Rock. Arkansas".
Wow. I bet that will be some kind of moneymaker.
Mrs. Clinton, you're running for Senate, right? Senators are paid $130,000 a
year -
assuming, of course, you're elected - so even with your pension, you're still
looking
at a house in the $825,000 range. Maybe a nice center hall colonial where the
schools
aren't so good. Mrs. Clinton, you haven't worked outside the house since 1991,
correct? But you did some volunteer work, I see. You came up with a plan to
overhaul the entire national health care system? I see. It flopped, in
other words.
But I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas.
How about this Whitewater Development Corp.?
"It went bankrupt".
And Madison Guaranty?
"Bankrupt".
And Castle Grande?
"Bankrupt, too".
If you had gone to Yale business school instead of Yale law, you could probably
get your money back!! Hey now, loosen up!!! Don't get upset!!.
It was just a little joke. A little bad luck with the law, too, I see.
Three of your business partners went to jail. Maybe you could get your
money back. This is embarrassing, I know, but we have to ask because it does,
after all, affect your ability to pay: Any problems in your marriage?
No? With Slick Willie's Turnstyle Zipper?? Don't remember his cigar parlor
trick??
Fine. Let's look at your assets: $1.5 million. Not bad. Yes, yes, Mr. Clinton,
we're not
forgetting your Mustang back in Little Rock.
But-oh!--those liabilities!! You owe $5.5 million!!
That means you're $4 million in the hole. How do you expect to pay that off??
You're hoping people will donate to a special fund? So basically you're relying
on
the charity of strangers. You also have some substantially serious expenses!!
A kid at Stanford has got to be setting you back $30,000 to $35,000 a year,
probably more with the air fares!! And she wants to go to medical school?
Ouch! And Mr. Clinton, there's a little matter of a $90,000 fine for
perjury; i.e.,
lying in court. I guess that rules out putting your law degree to work!!
And, Mr. Clinton, I might add: we know what the word "Is" is!!!!
Say, how do we know you're not lying on your loan application?
Good point. It would look a lot better if you were lying!!
Are there any other legal matters we should know about?
You say you're in the clear, Mr. Clinton, and the first lady is pretty much in
the clear indictment-wise. What does that mean?
You don't think-don't think-she's going to get hit with a perjury or obstruction
of justice rap??. But- we're not totally sure, right???
That means there's a remote possibility-- that you could be trying to pay off a
$1.76
million mortgage while making 12 cents an hour stitching mailbags for the feds,
and he is trying to make a go of a library in Little Rock!!
Let's review the situation. One of you is now unemployed, and the other
one soon will be. You have these whopping great debts that you're hoping
someone is going to come along and pay before his/her incarceration!
You have a financial history that can only be described as "",
plus a bunch of serious financial demands and ongoing legal problems.
Your tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford.
So, Congratulations and Welcome to the EZBreeZee family of homeowners!!!
"You've got your mortgage!!!!!!!!!!"
YodaBroker walks in again, and sees the
mortgage papers being signed.
YodaBroker then "harrumphs" noisily his strong disapproval,
saying:
"More Democratic Committee Campaign Funds, they seek??!!??" "Hummmph!!!"
"Running for Senate in New York, Hillary is??!!??" "Hummmph!!!"
"Looking for more Contributing Donations, they are??!!??" "Hummmmph!!!"
"A Jedi Master Broker craves NOT these things!!!!!!!"
"Strongly disapprove this application, the Council will!!!!!"
Too Late YodaBroker!!! The firm has approved the deal already!!
"Keep my own council on who is ready, I
will!!!!" Yodabroker growled.
"Hummmmph!!!" "Most Unfortunate, this deal is!!!!!"
"Hummmmmph!!!"
"Deceive much of the American Voting People, they did!!!!!" "Hummmmph!!!"
(YodaBroker exits swiftly, his eyes glowing red, steam blowing out of both
his ears!)