Answering Messages !!

Actual answering machine answers recorded
and verified by the world famous organization;

International Institute of Answering Machines!

1.  A is for academics,
> >>  B is for beer.
> >>  One of those reasons is
> >>  Why we're not here.
> >> So leave a message.

2.  >  Hi. This is John: If you are the
> >>  phone company, I already sent
> >>  the money. If you are my parents,
> >>  please send money. If you are
> >>  my financial aid institution, you
> >>  didn't lend me enough money.
> >>  If you are my friends, you owe me
> >>  money. If you are a female,
> >>  don't worry, I have plenty of money.

3.(Narrator's voice:) There Dale
> >>  sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly
> >>  the telephone rings! The bathroom
> >>  explodes into a veritable maelstrom
> >>  of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle
> >>  of it, his arms windmilling
> >>  at incredible speeds! Will he
> >>  make it in time? Alas no, his valiant
> >>  effort is in vain. The bell hath
> >>  sounded. Thou must leave a message.

4."Hi. Now you say something."

5. >   "Hi! John's answering machine is broken.
> >>  This is his refrigerator.
> >>  Please speak very slowly, and
> >>  I'll stick your message to myself
> >>  with one of these magnets."

6. >  "Hello, this is Sally's microwave.
> >>  Her answering machine just eloped
> >>  with her tape deck, so I'm stuck
> >>  taking her calls. If you'd like
> >>  anything cooked while you leave
> >>  your message, just hold it up to the phone!"

7. "Hello, you are talking to a machine.
> >>  I am capable of receiving messages.
> >>  My owners do not need
> >>  siding, windows, or a hot tub.
> >>  Their carpets are always clean.
> >>  They give to charity through their
> >>  office and do not need any pictures taken.
> >>  They believe the stock market is a random crapshoot,
> >>  and the entire insurance industry is one huge scam
> >>  perpetrated by Mafioso accountants. If you're still
> >>  with me, leave your name and number and
> >>  they will get back to you."

8."Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
> >>  Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

9."This is not an answering machine:
> >>  this is a telepathic thought recording device.
> >>  After the tone, think about your name, your
> >>  reason for calling, and a number
> >>  where you can be reached, and
> >>  my owner will think about returning your call."

10."Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I
> >>  can't answer the phone right now.
> >>  Leave a message, and then wait by
> >>  your phone until I call you back."

11."If you are a burglar, then we're
> >>  probably at home cleaning our
> >>  weapons right now and can't come
> >>  to the phone. Otherwise, we
> >>  probably aren't home and it's
> >>  safe to leave us a message."

12."You're growing tired. Your
> >>  eyelids are getting heavy. You
> >>  feel very, sleepy now. You are
> >>  gradually losing your willpower
> >>  and your ability to resist suggestions.
>>>   When you hear the tone

> >>  you will feel helplessly compelled to
> >> leave your name, number, and a message."

>>End<<

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