carnac_quotes

More Quotes from Carnac the Magnificent show!

Before Jay Leno stumbled upon that "Headlines" gig, before Letterman had his "Top Ten" lists,
Johnny Carson, the King of Late Night, trotted out the best long-running comedy routine of any
talk show as he donned a turban and cloak and became...

CARNAC THE MAGNIFICENT

ED McMAHON: Heaven has no brighter star than our next stellar guest, that omnipotent master
of the east and former manicurist to Howard Hughes, Carnac the Magnificent...

Welcome once again, O Great Sage... I hold in my hand these envelopes. As a child of four can
plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed. They've been kept in a #2 mayonnaise
jar since noon today on Funk and Wagnell's porch. No one knows the contents of these envelopes,
but you, in your divine and mystical way, will ascertain the answers to these questions having never
seen them before.

CARNAC: I must have absolute silence...

ANSWER: Nestea Plunge.
QUESTION: What does the president of Nestea use when his toilet is stopped up?

A: Peter Pan.
Q: What do you use to fry a peter?

A: Mount Baldy.
Q: How do you play piggyback with Telly Savales?

A: The ZIP Code.
Q: What do CIA agents have to remember to go to the bathroom?

A: A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
Q: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H?

A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
Q: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles.

ED: Certainly worth waiting for...
A: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong.

A: "Coming home."
Q: If voters have their way, what message will Jimmy Carter be sending Georgia soon?

A: An unmarried woman.
Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?

A: Cyclone.
Q: What do call the clone of a guy named Cy?

A: "Hi diddly dee."
Q: How do you say "Good morning" to your diddly dee?

CARNAC: May a crazed weightlifter clean and jerk your sister

A: Henry R. Block.
Q: Name one guy who's rich after April 15th.

A: Rosy red cheeks.
Q: What do you get when you squat on a rosy red fire?

A: The Orient express.
Q: What is a drink made with soy sauce and prune juice?

A: Bible belt.
Q: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants?

A: Tail of Two Cities.
Q: What do you call a guy who streaks Minneapolis and St. Paul?

CARNAC: May a camel with a weak kidney condition find your hope chest.

A: Gatorade.
Q: What does an alligator get on welfare?

A: Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
Q: What's the best thing to do if you swallow a hand grenade?

A: Until he gets caught.
Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?

A: Old wive's tale.
Q: What do cannibals find hard to digest?

A: Kumquat.
Q: What do you say when calling your quat?

CARNAC: May a bag of Pop Rocks explode in your shorts.

A: De-frost.
Q: On a cold morning, what forms on de-grass?

A: Head and shoulders.
Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car?

A: High rollers.
Q: Describe a stoned bowling team.

A: Gunga din.
Q: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?

CARNAC: May a crazed Arab repairman board up your girlfriend.

A: A full moon
Q: What would you see if Orson Welles dropped his pants?

A: Crabgrass.
Q: What do crabs get high on?

CARNAC: May the winds of the Sahara blow a desert scorpion up your turban.

A: "Follow the yellow brick road."
Q: What are good directions to a urologist's office?

A: At both ends.
Q: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?

A: Igloo.
Q: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?

A: 20,000 Leagues Beneath the Sea.
Q: Where is the American dollar headed?

A: Shoo-be-doo-be-doo.
Q: What do you look for when you're tracking a shoo-be-doo-be?

A: Fondue.
Q: What do you get on your fon if you leave it out all night?

A: Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious and detente.
Q: Name two words that have no meaning.

A: Executive action.
Q: What does a president look for in a singles bar?

A: The Laughing Policeman.
Q: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?

A: Dustin Hoffman.
Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.

CARNAC: May the swami of Bagdad squat on your fez.

A: Eleven.
Q: What is the total of Bo Derek and Phyllis Diller?

A: Trapper John.
Q: What do you call an outhouse built on quicksand?

A: Mr. Coffee.
Q: Name the father of Mrs. Olsen's illegitamate baby.

A: Superbowl.
Q: What would you find in Superman's bathroom?

A: Plumber's helper.
Q: What do you need after Hamburger Helper?

A: Milk and honey.
Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?

CARNAC: May you fall asleep under a camel with post nasal drip.

A: Supervisor.
Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?

A: Lo-fat.
Q: Name a Chinese diet doctor.

A: Rub-a-dub-dub.
Q: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?

A: Black feet.
Q: What have the oil companies given our wildlife?

CARNAC: May a weird doctor join you at the hump of a camel.

A: Zippo Marx.
Q: What do you get when something gets caught in your Zippo?

A: Touchback.
Q: What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you?

A: O'Hare.
Q: How does Howard Cosell call his toupee? "Oh, hair..."

A: Over 15 billion served.
Q: What will be written on the Happy Hooker's tombstone?

A: Kitchy-kitchy-koo.
Q: What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy-Kitchy?

A: Flyswatter.
Q: What do you call a sadistic tailor?

CARNAC: May a swarm of gay chiggers open a disco on your grandfather.

A: Lorne Green.
Q: What happens when your lorne rots?

A: Ironware.
Q: Describe Raymond Burr's undershorts.

A: Hickory Dickory Dock.
Q: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?

A: The big ten.
Q: Describe the five finalists in the Miss Universe contest.

A: Disjoint.
Q: What was dat hippie smoking?

CARNAC: May your desert pension fund be managed by Jimmy Hoffa.

A: "Rose Bowl."
Q: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling alley?

A: Sanford and Son and Ed McMahon.
Q: Name three people who sell a lot of junk.

A: David Frost.
Q: On a cold morning what forms on your david?

A: That darn cat.
Q: Who ruined that darn rug?

CARNAC: May an untouchable take a liking to your only sister.

A: SAG Strike.
Q: What do you call it when old topless dancers refuse to work?

A: A man with a mistress and a Russian Olympics judge.
Q: Describe two people who like to cheat.

A: Damnation Alley.
Q: What do they call the entrance to "The Gong Show"?

A: All the President's men.
Q: Who won't be let out to see the picture?

A: Madame Kitty.
Q: Where does Morris the Cat go when he's lonely?

A: Mop and Glow.
Q: Which floor wax was used by the Three Mile Island cleanup team?

A: Bi-focal.
Q: Name a focal that goes both ways.

A: Skalliwags.
Q: What does your skalli do when it's happy?

CARNAC: May a weird customs inspector discover a secret compartment in your sister.

A: The American people.
Q: Name the loser in the 1976 presidential race.

A: "I never promised you a rose garden."
Q: What's the only thing President Carter didn't promise us?

A: Quarter Pounder.
Q: What did Jimmy Carter's mother call his first baby tooth?

A: "Sorry bub, no pub."
Q: What does President Carter say to Billy on Air Force One?

CARNAC: May your only son become a Pointer Sister.

A: Grape Nuts.
Q: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?

A: The American condor, the American eagle and the American car industry.
Q: Name three things on the endangered species list.

ED: I liked that but I seem to be the only one.

A: Snap, crackle, pop.
Q: What noise does Mr. McMahon's liver make?

A: Shake-N-Bake.
Q: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering Inferno.

A: A mule, a horse, Billy Carter.
Q: Name three things that go to the bathroom outdoors.

A: Hog jowls, chitlins, black-eyed peas, cornpone, hush puppies and red-eye gravy.
Q: What does Billy Carter eat on a sesame-seed bun?

A: Shareholder.
Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be?

CARNAC: May a camel chip float in your martini.

A: "Gung Ho!"
Q: What do you say when you want to get your Gung to stop?

A: Timbuktoo.
Q: What comes after Timbuk-one?

A: R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
Q: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"?

A: Jello and "Charlie's Angels."
Q: What looks delicious, quivers all over and can't talk?

CARNAC: May you be forced to visit a near-sighted proctologist.

A: Los Angeles Dodgers.
Q: Who was just arrested for impersonating a baseball team?

A: "The Dumplings."
Q: What do you call tiny little dumps?

A: Double hernia.
Q: What do you see if you hold your hernia up to a mirror?

A: Blazing Saddles.
Q: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch?

CARNAC: May a crazed sultan force you into mouth-to-mouth resuscitation with a sick lizard.

A: Evon Guligan.
Q: Describe the sound you make when you break loose from a plunger.

A: Sueeee, sueeee.
Q: What do you do if a Chinese laundry ruins your shirts?

A: The Rock of Gibralter.
Q: What's the one thing Sammy Davis is not wearing around his neck?

A: Baja.
Q: What noise do sheep make when they laugh?

A: KKK, IRS, UCLA.
Q: How do you spell kkkirsucla?

A: Rough cut.
Q: When you do get from a near-sighted rabbi?

CARNAC: May a carsick mongoose change the color of your seats.

A: Ninety-nine and nine-tenths.
Q: What price will gas be if it's under a dollar?

A: Once is not enough.
Q: What's the major cause of divorce?

A: The Loch Ness Monster.
Q: Who will they find sooner than Jimmy Hoffa?

CARNAC: May an evil genie put splinters in your Aurora tissue.

A: Beethoven's Fifth.
Q: What made Ludwig blind as well as deaf?

A. Whacka-doo, whacka-doo, whacka-doo.
Q. What do you look for when you're tracking three whackas?

A: Around the world in 80 days.
Q: Where does the line go outside an unemployment office?

A: E.S.T., P.M. and B.M.
Q: Name three movements

A: "Leave it to Beaver."
Q: What did the dead raccoon say in his will?

A: Keep your eyes on your prize.
Q: What's good advice to give a Japanese tailor?

CARNAC: May a diseased yak squat in your hot tub.

A: The diamond lane.
Q: What does Zsa Zsa Gabor call the center of a church?

A: Jaques Cousteau.
Q: Who's the new traffic advisor to Los Angeles?

ED: What with all the rain, I guess...

A: A nine foot base with two feet of powder.
Q: Describe Mick Jagger's nose.

CARNAC: May a crazed furniture refinisher stain your sister's hope chest.

A: 13 Queens Boulevard.
Q: Name an address Anita Bryant will never have.

A: WKRP In Cincinnati.
Q: Where will the president of NBC be working soon?

A: 60 Minutes.
Q: How much time has Governor Brown spent in California this year?

A: The eye of a frog, the wing of a fly and the throat of a lizard.
Q: Name the only three things you can afford to eat nowadays.

A: Fun with Dick and Jane.
Q: What do you see in the next car at a drive-in movie?

A: Roots.
Q: What is it that Ronald Reagan keeps trying to hide?

A: Kris Kristofferson
Q: Name a Kristofferson.

CARNAC: May Dr. J slam dunk your cat.

A: "The Front."
Q: What does it say on the side of Phyllis Diller's dress?

A: Sex.
Q: What would you keep if you had to choose between sex and violence?

A: The Sugarland Express.
Q: What do you call Hershey's Prune Kisses?

A: The Newlywed Game.
Q: Where won't you see Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor?

A: Putting on the dog.
Q: What do you call dressing up as a tree?

CARNAC: May a weird holy man light a Roman candle in your pants.

A: Stick 'em up!
Q: What should the oil companies' new slogan be?

A: Pot luck.
Q: What do you call not getting busted?

A: Burn the candle at both ends.
Q: What does a stupid altar boy do?

A: "Yes man."
Q: What should you answer to everything George Foreman says?

A: Touch and Go.
Q: What's the name of a drive-in massage parlor?

A: 2001.
Q: How many hospitals has Evil Knievel been in?

CARNAC: May your wife give mouth-to-mouth resusitation to the Denver Nuggets.

A: Rocky, Network and The Silver Streak.
Q: Name two movies and a suppository.

A: Fort Knox.
Q: Where do supermarkets store their meat?

A: Shake and bake.
Q: What does the Galloping Gourmet do during an earthquake?

A: General Curtis LeMay, the Red Baron and Carnac.
Q: Name three people who like to bomb.

A: 2001.
Q: When is the next RTD bus scheduled to arrive?

A: "Small craft warning!"
Q: What does the Tidy Bowl man yell when he hears flushing?

A: Fists of fury and five fingers of death.
Q: What will you get if you ignore a trucker's blockade?

A: Sale of the Century.
Q: Describe the Nixon income tax deductions.

A: Chariots of the Gods.
Q: What are the only things that can move on Sundays?

A: Kaiser wrap.
Q: What do you call getting slapped around by a German king?

CARNAC: May a diseased yak drop his cud in your hooped skirt.

A: Ultra-conservative.
Q: What's an Orange County toothpaste?

A: Roman Gabriel, Lance Ramsell and Howrd Cosell
Q: Name two rams and a goat.

A: Bedbug.
Q: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker?

A: Lady-in-waiting.
Q: Describe Mrs. Stillman on a bus that doesn't make rest stops.

A: Unleash.
Q: What do you call a drink made with un-cola and prune juice?

A: Natural gas.
Q: What did Yul Givens give after eating a prune tree?

CARNAC: May a weird holy man use a Black and Decker tool on your only sister.

A: Kaleidoscope.
Q: What instrument does a doctor use to examine your kaleido?

A: Ransack.
Q: What's a drink made with dry sack and prune juice?

A: A thousand clowns.
Q: Who are the candidates for mayor of Los Angeles?

A: Last Tango in Paris.
Q: What do you call a French drink made with champagne and prune juice?

A: Pussy Willow.
Q: How do you introduce your cat to a weeping willow?

A: Jaws 2 and Capricorn One.
Q: What was the final score of the Jaws-Capricorn game?

A: Buddy Holly.
Q: What kind of holly would you find growing on your buddy?

A: England, France and Greece.
Q: Name two countries and a luncheon special at the NBC Commissary.

A: Earth, Wind and Fire.
Q: What do you get from eating in the NBC Commissary?

A: You asked for it.
Q: How do you get it?

A: Cheetah, Leon Spinks and the American taxpayer.
Q: Name a chimp, a champ and a chump.

A: Pat and Debby Boone.
Q: Name the only two people who aren't sick of hearing "You Light Up My Life."

A: Children under 16 not admitted unless accompanied by parents.
Q: What sign did Queen Elizabeth hang on Princess Margaret's door?

CARNAC: May an unclean yak have an accident on your toupee.

A: Pillbury cooking contest, a spasm of the diaphragm and the memoirs of Richard Nixon.
Q: Name a bake-off, a hiccough and a ripoff.

A: A broken water pipe, Telly Savalas and Chuck Barris.
Q: Name a leak, a Greek and a freak.

A: 50 miles per hour.
Q: What should be posted on Howard Cosell's tongue?

A: 2001.
Q: How many football games were televised over Thanksgiving?

A: Never on Sunday.
Q: When should you plan on making a rest stop at a gas station?

A: The 11th Hour.
Q: When will you get to work going 55 miles an hour?

A: Rat pack.
Q: What do you call an agreement with Don Rickles?

A: The four musketeers.
Q: How would a wino see the three musketeers.

CARNAC: May your favorite aunt develop a crust on her hip.

A: Fit to be tied.
Q: What is a mother of 27 children?

A: Revenge of the Pink Panther.
Q: How did Marlon Perkins explain the rash on his thigh?

A: Double trouble.
Q: What's the name of a drink made with beer and prune juice?

A: Sir Lawrence Olivier, the Oscars and the oil shortage.
Q: Name a lord, an award and a fraud.

A: Big Ben, Joe Nameth and the candidates' campaign promises.
Q: Name a clock, a jock and a crock.

A: Bambi, the White House grounds and the new TV season.
Q: Name a fawn, a lawn and a yawn.

A: A potato, Burt Reynolds and Sgt. Shriver.
Q: Name a spud, a stud and a dud.

A: Elmer, Roger and Billy Carter.
Q: Name a Fudd, a Mudd and a dud.

A: An emerald, a screwdriver, and Chuck Barris.
Q: Name a jewel, a tool and a fool.

A: Planter's Punch.
Q: What do you call getting hit with a fistfull of peanuts

CARNAC: May a weird holy man drop a cactus down your shorts.

A: Groundhog.
Q: What's in Jimmy Dean's sausages?

A: Pipe dream.
Q: What does the Tidy Bowl man have when he sleeps?

A: Green thumb.
Q: What does the Jolly Green Giant use to hitchike with?

CARNAC: May a desert rat sunbathe on your radar range.

A: The CIA.
Q: Where should you address all your mail?

A: "Breaking Away" and "Here's Boomer."
Q: What are two bad names for a laxative?

A: "Here's Boomer."
Q: What's a rude thing to say when you're dropping a bomb on a country?

A: Short eyes.
Q: What do you get when you put Preperation H in your Murine?

A: "Oh God!"
Q: What do people always say when Howard Cosell is on?

A: Sha-na-na.
Q: How do you tell a Sha not to do something?

A: Eight is enough.
Q: Who old do you have to be to date Princess Margaret?

ED: And now I hold in my hand the last envelope. [applause]

CARNAC: May the Shah of Iran seek refuge under your sister's hooped skirt.

A: Kirk Douglas, Terhan Bey and Earl Butz.
Q: Name a Kirk, a Turk and a jerk.

These jokes aren't mine, copyright on them is held by the folks who ran "The Tonight Show" in the 70's.

MORE OF THE BEST OF CARNAC THE MAGNIFICENT

ANSWER: Gatorade.
QUESTION: What does an alligator get on welfare?